20 Things About the World in 1988

Yesterday, I turned twenty six years old. In other words, I am over a quarter of a century. Since a lot of people I know are reaching their mid-twenties as well, I decided to use my knowledge of history and share some facts about the year we came into the world, 1988. It's amazing how much has changed in two and a half decades.

(1) First, I was born when Ronald Reagan was President of the United States.

 

 

 

(2) The current American President, Barack Obama, was 27 years old and had started his first year at Harvard Law School.

 

 

 

 

(3) Across the Atlantic, the USSR was still holding itself together. 

 

(4) So was Yugoslavia.

 

 

 

 

(5) And the Berlin Wall.

 

 

 

 

(6) These other countries didn't exist yet: South Sudan, East Timor, Eritrea, Djibouti, Slovenia, Croatia, Serbia and Bosnia. 

 

 

Sorry, couldn't resist.

(7) Saddam Hussein was still President of Iraq.

 

 

 

 

(8) The US government was still giving him money...He was at war with Iran at the time, it was okay. 

 

 

 

(9) A few countries over, Osama Bin Laden was still fighting the Soviet Union in Afghanistan.

 

 

 

(10) So were the future Taliban and the CIA was still giving them weapons.

 

 

 

(11) On the technology side of things, Adobe Photoshop had been around for a year.

 

 

 (12) Mobile phones had been commercially available for five.

 

 

 

 

(13) The World Wide Web was one year and three days away from being launched.

 

 

 

(14) And the first Die Hard movie was an upcoming summer release.

 

 

 

 

(15) Rihanna was a month old.

 

She wouldn't look like this for another seven years.

 

(16) Adele wasn't born yet.

 

 

(17) And these famous people who had been around for a bit looked like this: 

 

(18) Many of the cars looked something like this: 

 

(19) You also had to pay an average of $1.75 a gallon to keep them running

(20) And you could expect to see some people dressed like this

 

 

or this

 

or even this

 

 

Man twas a crazy time.

A Crazy, Joyful Year of Teaching

Last Friday, my first year as a elementary ESL teacher at the Prince Royal's College in Thailand came to an end. As I've been decompressing from one of the most hectic and exhausting times in my life, I've also been reflecting on these ten months.

When I first moved back to Chiang Mai to start this job in April, I was coming in with very little teaching experience. I earned a TESOL certificate about four months before I arrived. I had done one practicum and apart from a few days in high-school looking after a troop of tots during a summer camp, I had never worked with little kids before.

I wasn't sure what to expect, even after arriving on campus and meeting my co-teachers. I didn't feel nervous about this. I was glad to be back in Chiang Mai after seven years. I was also happy (in a time of high unemployment for twenty-somethings) to have a new job and a fresh start after some good but tumultuous years in Egypt.

I did wonder in the days leading up to my first term though, if I was perhaps too naïve and unprepared when it came to teaching five classes filled with forty first grade students.

At the end of my first day of teaching, I realized just how accurate those doubts were. The beginning of school was horrific. I watched students chase each other around desks, leap off tables and ride each other around like horses. I witnessed time and time again classes tuning out every command I threw at them. Often, I felt helpless and utterly flabbergasted. All the advice and techniques my Thai co-teachers offered in the lead up to the lessons fell flat on the floor to be trampled by my first graders' tiny feet.

That night, I returned home to my small apartment by the school and vegged. I lay in my bed for several hours staring up despondently at the ceiling. I would spend many nights over the next month or two feeling shell shocked, numbed and in some cases depressed as I tried often unsuccessfully to manage the extravagant energy of my students.

Teaching six and seven year-olds, in a language they don't understand very well, is exhausting and often very hard on the soul. Phrases I had heard off and on from teachers and parents my whole life ('These kids drive me crazy.' 'I could kill someone, I'm so stressed.') sank in and became tangible for the first time.

The pressures that come from a society that values saving face further convoluted enforcing classroom discipline. Contacting parents of troubled or difficult school children over behavioral issues can be complicated by the 'need' to avoid shaming the parents or child.

In the midst of all this, I questioned if I would make it. I wondered if the school would come to regard me as a bad teacher and send me away. Occasionally, I wished they would. As some other Native English Teachers began to leave early in the term, I wondered if perhaps I should just cut my losses and leave.

In the end though, I decided to keep going and even though I can't say I became a great or incredible teacher, I learned more about who my students were. I at last began to understand what they responded and didn't respond too. I also discovered the limitations of Thai education, and how kids with severe learning disabilities often share the same classroom with kids who are bright brilliant and eager to study. I realized how important it was to move quickly and flawlessly between elements of a lesson. I learned which resources were good for my age level and which would lose my student's very limited attention spans.

Comprehending all these vital lessons hasn't always automatically translated into my classroom. Teachers, like students, need time to grow and apply the lessons they've learned. Even into the second term I sometimes struggled to make my lessons effective.

Along with classroom pressures, there's was work miscommunications, a long list of extracurricular activities, after-school classes, field trips and camps etc.

All of these pressures made my year tough and grueling.

There were many aspects of teaching primary students at a school I disliked.

Yet amongst all the moments of bureaucratic bs and student behavioral issues there were many, many times that brought me joy and made all the exhaustion and exasperation worthwhile.

In all honesty, it's the good that stands out to me the most as I think back.

I remember the thrill that came from finally coming up with a lesson that students enjoyed and the sense of accomplishment when a student could answer a question or remember a word off the top of their head.

There was the time when we cut pumpkins with 1/7 and the lesson where I got to see students draw their favorite animals. I can never forget the first time some boys in 1/8 decided to start calling me teacher handsome. I cherish the visits a girl with severe ADD in 1/10 would make to my office so I could quiz her on English vocabulary. I recall fondly when, at the end of some of very long days, a student would tag along with me as we left the 1^st grade building on campus. I grin when I think of the countless times a student came up and gave me an uninhibited hug or raised their hand up for a high five or fist pump.

The bad moments were plentiful, crying times, angry times, times of being fed up and pooped out for both teacher and student alike.

Yet even in some of these awkward difficult trials there were moments of brightness and bonding. The sadness I would feel when a child in a class would cry could sometimes go away with a few silly faces or kind gestures. A student even returned the favor once, when she saw me sulking in the hallway after a bad lesson and told me with a gesture we had learned in class that I should be 'happy'.

As ready as I was for the year and all the pressure to be over with, I know I will miss my students.

Last Friday, I made the rounds through all my classes as they broke out juice and cookies and celebrated the end of the year. I was toasted with grape juice in one class by my students, who had put their desks together to form two long tables reminiscent of a viking feast. In another, I was swarmed by two dozen grinning faces all urging me to try one of the snacks they had gotten from their homeroom teacher. And in another, I got to hear one of my brightest students tell me in a soft whisper 'Teacher Sean, I love you.'

I don't think I will ever win a teacher of the year award. I seriously doubt many of my kids this year will remember me as some fountain of wisdom in their lives. I know many will not have drastically improved their English. Yet to have been able to share these children's lives for a short time and know that I gained their fondness, love and affection fills me with pride and makes me appreciate how even with all the frustrations we humans face in the world, there is also great, and genuine joy.

Doing What You Love: What A Seven Year Old and Sailor Moon Taught Me

Today, a student inspired me. It was pretty unexpected.

I was teaching an after school session to 1/6. I gave the students a worksheet (I've found six and seven year-olds have a hard time doing anything else after 5pm) and told them that when they finished they could fill in one of two coloring sheets. One was a picture of a cartoon dragon and the other was Sailor Moon, a girl anime character. As you might expect I chose these sheets based on an assumption that the boys would prefer one and the girls another. When I showed the two different pictures to the students, they got excited. A boy in the back raised his hand and when I called on him he smiled and said 'Teacher, I like Sailor Moon!'.

I don't usually teach 1/6. In another class, with another boy I knew better, I probably would have assumed he was joking. But somehow, this kid's energy and enthusiasm seemed very genuine.

I waited at the front as the students worked through their exercises. After about thirty minutes of writing and circling, they started to finish and grab their coloring sheets. In time, the boy who raised his hand came up and turned in his work. As soon as I gave him the ok, he grabbed a copy of the Sailor Moon sheet and returned to his desk.

Some of the other students quickly noticed which sheet he had picked up. Though the kids I teach are only six and seven, they've already been programmed according to gender roles. All the other boys, as far as I could tell, had grabbed the dragon sheet. All the girls (save one) had grabbed the Sailor Moon sheet.

As I walked to the back of the classroom, I started to hear comments from other students directed at this boy. I couldn't understand enough Thai to know every word but I think anyone can recognize ridicule, no matter what language it's spoken in. Words like khatuy (ladyboy), pooying (girl) slipped from these children's smiling lips.

I worried the boy would get upset. I was afraid I'd have to deal with a fight or a sobbing break down. Both these things have happened in other classes of mine over smaller issues.

As I sat down next to the boy and his classmates though I was surprised to see that he was still happy and smiling. He sharpened his colored pencils calmly and smoothly, seemingly oblivious to any of the comments swirling around him.

While he shaded in Sailor Moon's air, I talked to the other students in a combination of broken Thai, English and pantomime to try and make a defense for the taboo the boy had broken.

Interestingly one girl who had been making comments had chosen to color the dragon and seemed to have missed the irony that she was also breaking a barrier.

I took her sheet and held it up to her, getting the attention of some of the other students.

Our conversation went like this:

Me in English: (Do you like Dragons?)

She beams.

Her in English: (Yes, I love Dragons!)

I point to her.

Me in Broken Thai and English: (You a boy? Yes/No?)

Her in English: (No)

I turned to the other students, showed them her dragon all while pointing at her.

Me in English and Thai: She likes Dragons. She is a girl (pooying) She is ok. This is ok.

I turned to the boy, who was still smiling and coloring and held up his paper. I told them he was okay for liking Sailor Moon too.

As a foreign teacher in a Thai school, your ability to have more meaningful conversations with pupils is often very limited. I consider myself lucky if a third of my kids can understand basic instructions. Yet judging by the looks that some of my students gave me I knew at least a few got the gist of what I was trying to say.

Others didn't, and throughout the rest of the period I heard more comments, eventually prompting to give another short, broken sherade filled speech to a couple boys.

In the end though, I wondered if I really needed to do any of this at all. As I took a step back and watched the boy fill the empty outline with more and more vibrant colors, I saw that his enthusiasm didn't diminish because of anything I said or they said. He colored, he shared his pencils with other students, he showed part of his picture to a classmate who smiled with him not at him. By the time the session was over and I walked out of the classroom he was still coloring away.

Despite drawing odd looks and questioning words from his peers, this boy continued to do something he loved and enjoyed. I envy the assurance and certainty this child displayed. I admire how his enthusiasm for something he loved eclipsed the doubts of others and perhaps even prompted a few of his classmates to accept that passion.

As a teacher, your students teach you as much as you teach them. I feel honored to have been taught a lesson by this boy.

Be who you are, love what you want to love. Have the courage to raise your hand and say 'I like Sailor Moon!' if that's what you feel. 

The Sailor Moon Coloring Sheet

 

Nine Ridiculous Yet Strangely Awesome Ideas for Reimagined Films and TV Shows

Apart from number 4 and 6, all the other ideas on this list are unoriginal. I've come across these crossover and reimagined concepts in memes and Youtube videos and just thought I would share them for fun.

1. The Downtown Dead

   
   

   You know what a sophisticated drama about an upper-class English family at the turn of the 20^th century needs? That's right; a zombie apocalypse.

   
   If you really think about it, the abbey would be one of the best places to survive if the dead ever popped out of their graves and started gorging on the living. High walls, isolated country location, big stores, a large number of people to help with security. Add in the sophisticated company of English aristocrats and a lot of brandy and you've got a recipe for some great, worldly drama in the midst of World War Z.

    

    

   
   
   
   
2. The Lord of the Rings Christmas Special

   
   

   The fellowship (minus Boromir) must unite once more to defeat the forces of darkness from ruining Christmas. The wizard, Nicholas the Red, who's task it is to spread joy to all Middle Earth's children has been besieged in his snowy castle by orcs and trolls. It's up to Aragorn, Gimli Legolas and Gandalf to rally an army to rescue them while Frodo and the hobbits take over delivering the toys.

   
   
   

3. Hogwarts: Compton Edition

   
   

   A lot of Harry Potter fans have wondered what wizarding and witching was like in other parts of the world besides the UK.

   Well, this gritty, hard hitting show about a school of magic in inner city America can show you. Deciding to bring the magical teachings of Hogwarts to the Hood, leads to challenges for a group of dedicated teachers and their magically endowed students as they try to navigate between their harsh reality and the powers they could posses.

   
   
   
4. (Harry Potter the Bollywood musical) Hari Putar and the Prisoner of Azkabataban

   
   

   Yes, the Harry Potter universe gets two. That's how amazing the world is to me. It's the story of Harry Potter as performed by Bollywood. The plots the same, the characters are more or less the same except for their names (Hari Putar, Herumariman etc.). The only major differences are in the settings (Hogwarts is a Mogul era fortress), the accents, and the out of nowhere musical numbers and synchronized dance sequences.

   
   
   
   
   
   

5. Titanic 2: Jack is Back

   
   

   This one comes with a trailer (courtesy of another person's awesome talents). Some time after Jack bids adieu to Rose at the end of James Cameron's Titanic, a team of explorers on a submarine revisits the wreck of the ship of dreams.

   Jack, frozen for decades, is found, thawed and brought back to life. Initially a prisoner of a government agency he escapes in pursuit of his true love while being chased by his captors.

   Does it sound utterly stupid? Yes. Would tons of people go see it if it was made anyway? Absolutely.

   
   

6. Game of Thrones: Pride Rock

   
   

   The magic of Walt Disney comes together with the enchanting dark politics of Game of Thrones. Set some time before the events of the first Lion King, Game of Thrones: Pride Rock, is a 2d animated film about the intricate, complicated and backstabbing world of politics in the animal kingdom. Here, we find that Scar wasn't the first lion to betray his family in the name of power and that other predators (from leopards, cheetahs and yes hyenas) were always vying for control of the Pride Lands.

   
   
   

   
   
   
   

7. Twilight Remake with Blade Twilight: Lights Out

   
   

   This one has been a meme bouncing around the internet for years. Imagine it, Bella and Edward meet, stare awkwardly and fall in love as before. Only this time, Edward is pursued by the legendary vampire slayer and daywalker Blade. Try as they might the pair of star-crossed lovers can't outrun Wesley Snipes and his arsenal, leading to the tragic (pffff hehe) demise of our two characters.

   
   
   

8. Brokeback Pirates of the Caribbean (On Queerer Tides)

   
   

   Now admit it, if Jack Sparrow came out and admitted he plunders booty as well as treasure, would you really be surprised? This new installment of the pirates franchise would have Jack chasing down a legendary, mysterious object, fighting an array of magical creatures and...discovering a whole new side to himself in the form of an alluring male shipmate.

   
   

   

   
   

9. The Watchmen Saturday Morning Cartoon Show

   
   

   Alan Moore's gritty dark realistic tale of superheros in an alternate history of America comes to life once again as...a Saturday Morning Cartoon Show.

   
   

   That's right kids, join your favorite characters from 7-730 every Saturday for a ton of new, family friendly, adventures.

   
   
   

Game of Thrones- Ten Things From the Books to Look Forward to in Season 4

Recently, I finished the 5^th book of a Song of Ice and Fire, A Dance with Dragons. So far, it has been an intense but captivating journey navigating George R.R. Martin's dark and complicated world. Like many people, I picked up the books after watching the critically acclaimed Game of Thrones series based off them.

Now that I know what to expect in the upcoming fourth season I'm all that more excited for April 6^th (the premiere date) to role around.

The end of season 3 gave viewers the shocking, horrifying conclusion to Robb Stark's rebellion and story arc known as the Red Wedding.

The fourth season, which will probably cover nearly all of the second half of the third book Storm of Swords, will be even more intense. If you're skeptical you need only check out the new, incredibly awesome teaser trailer released a few weeks ago (Above).

So, as the Realm, prepares itself to dive into the game once more, I'd like to take some time to list off 10 events from the books that we can probably look forward to seeing in Season 4 of Game of Thrones.

(10) Reek

Unlike the books, where Theon Greyjoy's torture at the hands of Ramsay Snow was mostly implied, the series went out of its way in the third season to show us why the Bolton's sigil is a flayed (skinned) man. A few clips from the trailer seem to indicate Theon will make some sort of appearance in Season 4...and chances are he'll have completely fallen into his alternate, post Ramsay, personality Reek.

In the books, Theon's suffering at the hands of Ramsay completely transformed him into a docile, broken person. It also altered his appearance, making him deformed.

 

While the trailer clips seem to show Theon in the same sort of state at the end of Season 3, I'm still curious to see how the series will treat the personality of Reek and how well Theon's actor Alfie Allen will do slipping into the skin of a new character...don't read too much into that. 

(9) Bran's Journey Beyond the Wall

While it took Bran until Season 3 to connect with his traveling companions Meera and Jojen Reed, (in the books they met before Theon captured Winterfell), I've enjoyed seeing the chemistry between the three on screen. Each of the actors plays their roles superbly. Now that they're finally going beyond the wall, we can probably expect a closer encounter with the White Walkers, the wights and Bran continuing to discover and utilize his warging powers.

(8) Jaime and Cersei's Relationship 

I should say, changed relationship. Jaime Lannister is without a doubt one of the best characters in the books and the TV series. Many readers and viewers, I think, can agree. It's a testament to the writing skills of George RR Martin that Jaime often goes from being a fan's most disliked characters to being one of their favorites. 

 

The transformation he undergoes in the third book and the third season after losing his hand and developing a strong bond with the noble Brienne, is remarkable and endearing. 

 

In the fourth season, having finally arrived in Kings Landing and reuniting with his family, Jaime's change of personality will only be more pronounced. This will be especially true with Cersei, his lover and sister, who in the books doesn't understand her brother's change of heart. This difference causes a deepening rift between the two which I don't doubt will be shown wonderfully by the actors who play them.

 

(7) Jorah Mormont's Disgrace

One of the performances from the series I've loved the most as been Iain Glen's portrayal of Jorah Mormont. The actor is just perfect in the role. Whenever he's on a screen I see Jorah Mormont I don't see Iain Glen. The chemistry between Glen's character and Emilia Clarke's Daenerys is also very real. The two actors work off of each other so well and have made the complicated relationship between their characters authentic.

This chemistry is the reason why I think the impending schism between the two in Season 4 is going to be one of the most memorable events in the TV series. As readers of the books might recall, Jorah Mormont's spying of Daenerys on behalf of Varys and the Iron Throne is revealed to her in A Storm of Swords. Though the circumstances of this revelation will be very different in the show (Barristan Selmy's Arstan Whitebeard subplot having been dropped) it will still be very dramatic and have far reaching implications for Dany and Jorah. 

(6) Daenerys Taking Over Meereen 

Another thing I'm excited to see, especially after watching some of the fantastic trailer footage, is Daenerys taking over Meereen and finally establishing herself as a ruler. For the majority of the books and show Daenerys has been a migrant 'beggar' queen with only a small group of followers around her. Now, she has a real army, the credentials of having led that army to victory against two powerful city states, the prestige of having freed thousands of slaves...oh and three growing dragons that can breath fire.

However, winning battles and ruling are very different and in Season 4 as she settles into a new role as a queen, the complicated and convoluted nature of governing will present a new test to the last Targaryen. 

(5) The Battle of Castle Black

After surviving the wildlings and finally making it back to Castle Black in the last episode, Jon Snow will have to prepare himself for an even bigger ordeal as the wildlings and Mance Rayder close in on the Wall and prepare to smash their way into the Seven Kingdoms.

The Assault on Castle Black and the Battle of Wall, are going to be two of the biggest highlights of Season 4. Why? Three words 'Giants Riding Mammoths'! Who doesn't want to see that? I just hope they have the budget to make it look great.

(4) The Purple Wedding

Now, fans of the show who were devastated by the events of the Red Wedding should be reassured. There's another eventful wedding of a different color on the way. Readers of the books will know exactly what I mean. 'A Lannister Always Pays His Debts' and in Season 4 the most loathed member of that house (And I think we all know who I mean 'cough, cough') will pay...very dearly.

That's all I'll say.

(3) The End of Shae and Tyrion's Relationship. 

This plot point of Season 4 is of particular interest to me because of how the TV series has treated Shae and Tyrion's relationship. In the books, I never got the impression that Shae cared about Tyrion in any meaningful way. There were never any true moments between the two where they shared deep feelings or concerns, never any times when Shae seemed to particularly care about her lover or other characters she interacted with. In the show, she is a far more complex and nuanced character. The producers have gone out of their way, it seems, to show that she has genuine affection for Tyrion as well as a fondness for Sansa, his wife and her mistress.

In a Storm of Swords, the aftermath of the Purple Wedding eventually causes Tyrion and Shae's relationship to end in betrayal. This was predictable in the books. In the series though, it has the potential to seem forced and out of her character. Still, I'm confident the show will be able to handle it and present it in a believable way.

(2) House Martell 

Points one and two are closely tied together. When I started watching the series and reading the books, every mention of the land of Dorne and it's ruling house, Martell intrigued me. Both were very played up as mysterious, exotic and distant, yet both were also connected to the history of events that occurred before the first book and first season. When the Martells finally did make their appearance in the third book, they were even more fascinating. Why? They were so different. To me they injected a Middle Eastern, desert inspired culture into a world largely influenced by Medieval, Western European society. It was refreshing, and added a new color to the mix.

Now, the Martells are finally coming to the silver screen. Oberyn Martell, (The Red Viper) and his paramour Ellaria Sand, will arrive in Kings Landing and play a pivotal role throughout the fourth season. Oberyn, especially was a character I loved being introduced to in the books and I'm hopeful Pedro Pascal will do a superb job playing him.

 

(1) The Mountain vs the Red Viper

 We've seen a lot of epic duels throughout Game of Thrones. In Season 1, Ned Stark took on Jaime Lannister in the streets of King's Landing. In Season 2, Brienne of Tarth bested the Knight of Flowers in a Tourney. In Season 3, the one eyed Beric Dondarrion fought the Hound with a flaming sword and died, only to be mysteriously resurrected by the Lord of Light.

The best is yet to come though. In Season 4, we'll get to see one of my absolute favorite moments from the books: the duel between the Mountain that Rides (Gregor Clegane) and the previously mentioned Red Viper of Dorne. In A Storm of Swords, this fight was written wonderfully. The physical contrasts between the two men, the differences in their fighting styles, and the personal history between them makes it a truly epic event. Seeing it come to life is going to be fantastic, though I suspect we'll need to wait most of season before we see Dornish justice.

Where Did They Go? -A Writer's Love Letter to His Estranged Characters

 

 

Lately, I've been feeling hollow. In the past, I hollowness was a happy feeling for me. 

It was usually a term I associated with the vacancy left in my center after writing a story for several hours. I would be filled to the ears with creative energy and I would let it pour out of me. An hour or several hours later, there would be half a chapter sitting in front of me. It was never perfect and sometimes, I would comeback to my pages and wonder why I had been so excited about these ramblings in the first place. Nevertheless, the warm hollowness was something I treasured.

Now, the hollowness I sense comes is of an entirely different nature. On the inside I feel dry and cracked, crumbling. As a writer, as a human being, knowing the act of creation is the most precious experience of all.

Sometimes, though I fear that there is little creativity and imagination left in me. The yearning for my internal reservoir to be filled has never been stronger. 

 

I remember the times when I had so much to write that I would stay up to 1 or 3 oclock in the morning to finish a chapter or an important plot point. Now, I can barely squeeze enough creative ink out of myself to jot down these few lines of white text. 

 

Creating, was such a vital aspect of my life. Writing, was the greatest blessing of my life, even with the moments of pain and struggle. 

 

It was a real and genuine experience.

 

There were times when I would cry over a character's injury. I felt my heart skip when I discovered two people I had written into existence belonged together. I relished the excitement of unraveling a twisted and confusing plot-point. I cherished the metaphors and similes that I knew would stick in readers' minds even if it was only for a few minutes. 

 

I miss these sensations. I miss feeling the anguish and joy that came from pouring every dream and thought inside me onto paper and forging it into something smooth. 

 

Most of all, I miss the characters I shared these times with: 

 

Asia, Joshua, Kwanga, Hajar, Ismail, Sarah, Kareem, Meda, Andur, Gershom I miss you. You were never just fictional to me. You were flesh, hair, blood and spirit. You were so real there were times where I truly believed all it would take for you to materialize in front of me would be a turn of my head or a well concerted long blink. 

 

You were and remain, friends and companions. You came from me and yet I learned from you. Making you, molding you, understanding you has made me a different person then the one who first brought you into the world.   

But despite all we shared, I know we have estranged.

Recently I wondered, where did you go? Where did all the people, places and events that used to be so real to me meander to?  Furthermore, why did so few new lives stroll into my mind in your absence?

For the longest time, I thought that you had simply skipped out for a while. I thought for sure you would return. I assumed your loyalty was infinite regardless of my actions or inactions. 

I blamed the creative drought inside me on a lack of Inspiration. I blamed her for leaving me, for being a flirtatious wandering, unreliable partner that never had enough time for any one person in her life. 

 

I expected her to bring you back. I believed she would ultimately fill my reservoir.

This is not so.

Now, I realize that I was merely punting responsibility. I blamed fate and forces beyond my control, I cursed my parched soul as my lot in this universe. The truth was you left because I failed to keep up with you. I failed to finish your stories and put in the time and effort required to make you a part of my life. 

The waters came from working with you. I dug and dug with you, and as I tunneled down deeper and I found more and more well from which to draw on. 

 

Like any friendship, any relationship, I needed to spend time and effort on you to make my connections with you real, and eventually I stopped putting in the hours. I got lazy, I got lethargic. I failed to finish the work I had begun with you. I got tired of digging.

 

 I failed to give final, complete meaning to your lives. I made you suffer, change and grow. There was potential in you to shine and I failed to understand what I had in you...until now.

 

I didn't take care of you and because of this you drifted away. Before I understood what I had done, you were all gone and I soon forgot how I had made you in the first place. 

It wasn't just creation, or Inspiration that pushed me. It was also sheer effort, it was a willingness to sit down every weekend, no matter the circumstances and make sure I spent at least a few hours with you. I put in this time, because I believed I could make something beautiful and meaningful. I put in this time because I believed in you.

Though I've forgotten much in a year and half, I realize that I need you and a host of new characters in order to make this world a place I truly love and enjoy existing in. 

 

Creation, shaping individuals like you, is an essential part of my being. I don't want to do without it anymore. 

 

I will have a difficult time starting over, I'm sure. Undoubtedly you won't be exactly the same as I remember. I won't be the same writer I was either. 

I think though, this is a very good thing. I know there's so much we have to teach each other. As I work on new stories and finishing your own, I want you by my side guiding me with the lessons we learned in those long night typing sessions so many years ago. 

I know I can't rely solely on Inspiration and you to fill my reservoir. I want to put in the work to fill myself again. I will chisel away at myself and dig beneath the coarseness inside me until I strike water. When it bubbles up, I truly hope you come and join me for a drink.

With Great Affection Now and Always,
 

Sean

Letter to a Girl at Tuol Sleng

 

Dear Girl,

I wish I could begin this letter by addressing you with your name. I also wish I truly knew who you were and where you came from. I don't know who your father and mother were. I don't know if you had brothers sisters that you knew and played with. 

I hope you excuse my lack of knowledge. I know words are weak. Yet I pray somehow, someway my words convey my heart's meaning. 

 

You were one hundreds of faces I saw in the solemn halls of Tuol Sleng Prison. You were one out of thousands who passed through that dreadful place on your terrifying journey to Choeung Ek. You were one of three million who never returned from the killing fields. 

 

Yours is a single death. A drop in a vast bitter ocean that has drained over the years into history books and documentaries. 

 

All too often, you and the people who shared your fate remain only figures and statistics. I only knew you as such before I followed in your footsteps in 2013. I saw the same buildings in downtown Pnom Penh you saw. My soles touched the same floors yours did. I saw some of the same trees you saw at Choeung Ek before you disappeared beneath the ground I walked. 

 

Books and educational TV specials, hardly prepared me for finding you. In the quiet of Tuol Sleng and Choeung Ek my mind was overpowered. Silence is often a fertile grown for the imagination. In soil so dark and bloodstained it grows rancid, pungent visions. 

 

I know I could never understand what you went through. My mind can't capture the last thoughts that went through your head, the sounds that filled your ears, the smells that clogged your nose. Those final moments before you died are yours and yours alone.

 

Still, the horror and sorrow of your face and your story, the story of millions, moves me to write you and apologize. 

 

I am truly, deeply sorry. I never raised the fist that extinguished you. I never held your spent body in my arms and tossed it callously into a pit like rubbish. I never issued the orders to arrest you or your family. I never labeled you 'enemy of the people' 'traitor' or 'spy'.

 

Even so, I must apologize. As a human being, I must lament and come pleading before you. 

 

I am sorry. 

 

I'm sorry you died. 

 

I'm sorry you suffered. I'm sorry that men who should have laughed with you, sheltered you, and comforted you slit your throat instead.

 

I'm sorry their humanity couldn't prevail.

 

I'm sorry the rest of the world looked on, with arms at their side, tongues locked away behind their lips. It wasn't the first time. I doubt it will be the last. We looked away from 10 million in Europe, 2 million in Armenia, 1 million in Rwanda. We look away from the pain and degradation we see everyday in our cities and hometowns. We know we shouldn't, we know we should be stronger. When Cambodia sealed its borders and the Khmer Rouge reveled in their insanity, we should have faced the horror. When they came for you we should have said 'No, not her! Not today! Not ever!' But we were silent. We chose the easy path. We chose blindness, deafness, dumbness. We could not acknowledge the carnage. We did not have the courage to lift ourselves up, out of our routines and petty concerns. We did not have the will to reach out thousands of miles across the world and lend a helping hand when it was needed most.

 

The truth is, too much of the time, we humans are a sad and weak lot. We love to praise high ideals yet seldom have the stomach to stand up for them. We are more interested in our clothes, dead end jobs, petty work-place troubles, and favorite TV shows. We spend so much of our time making unimportant things vital to our existence. 

 

It's so much easier to worry about our laundry and diet than confronting the devil inside us, the demon passed from every man and woman to the next generation.

 

I'm sorry this is the case and that more people don't ponder this bile inside us. 

 

I'm sorry more don't look back at your tragedy and ask 'How can we make sure that little girls, like you, don't have their heads bashed in by the hundreds?' 

 

 

Most of all though, I think I'm sorry that you only knew so little of this world and this life. 

 

I'm sorry you'll never grow tall and lovely. That you'll never have the chance to drive a motorcycle or car. That you'll never know the thrill of falling love or the wisdom that comes from a broken heart. I'm sorry you'll never have the chance to go to school, work a job, have little girls and boys of your own. 

 

You were cheated of the chance to know all this and for me, this is perhaps the saddest thing of all. 

 

If I could, I would see you standing, running walking, breathing smiling laughing. I cannot make this so. 

 

All I have are these words to offer you. All I have is apologies and one thing more. 

 

I have my sight. And you should know, I see you little girl. I will not turn away. And now, thanks to this post a few others will see you as well. Perhaps, one day when we see your face in another suffering man, woman or child we shall finally have the courage to say n-o. The chance to at long last earn and acknowledge our humanity. 

 

May you rest quietly, little girl. Rest and dream of better times than the ones you knew in our sad, angry world.

 

You have my best wishes.

See you,

Sean

 When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain:
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget. 

-Christina Rossetti-